WAVES of GRIEF
As I walked down 4th Street tonight, I looked up, only to realize this clock was not ticking. The time had stopped. I have walked by this clock so many times, probably thousands, and never realized this. During this moment a big ol' wave of grief hit me. I sat down. Tears began to flood my eyes. I looked around. Everything and everyone around me continued on. This clock represented how I was feeling in this very moment.
What I have come to love is resting in these moments. To reflect, to remember, to cry, to laugh, to be quiet, to be raw. So much has happened in the last five and a half years of my life living here in Loveland, Colorado. As I prepare to move to Fort Collins in the next month or so, I know it's not that far away, but things will be different. I know relationships will continue and I will continue to stay connected, but they will change. Transition is a time of mixed emotions. A lot of excitement. Things to look forward to. New people to meet. A new home to discover. A new neighborhood with new neighbors to meet. A new church community to plug into. A closer commute to work and with that comes walking away from "home."
So much has happened in my life here. Many of things have even happened right here in Downtown Loveland. Cultivation of friendships with dancers at Lighthouse Dance. First Sanctified Wellness class at the Majestic. Dancing on the Rialto stage. Friends I’ve met on the street whose homes are under the stars. Many bike rides and walks and talks. Good food at sweet local restaurants. Lots of neighbors and strangers met. Relationships built that I know will continue and some that I will leave right where they started.
Things that I’ve grown to love I will soon walk away from. The sound of the train going through downtown. The stars bright and clear as I look up in the sky on brisk winter nights and warm summer eves. Sounds of owls hunting at night. Coffee dates with friends. Dreams shared. Dance performances both in groups and solo on stage have happened in this beautiful city plus many dance parties when the spirit moves. My faith has been rocked and set on an even more solid foundation through the love and support of my dear family at Redemption Church by pointing me to the truth. The honor to help start Kids Ministry at Redemption. A broken engagement. Healing. Growth. Sickness. Living with a family, roommates and solo. Friends have come and gone as God calls them on their way. Many of Loveland festivals attended where I got to see fun friends from around town. The small town girl in me loved this! Non-profit started. Visions cast. Mission trips taken overseas. A real estate business started. My faith in the Lord has been strengthened by every one of these experiences and circumstances. I will miss my "home," but I know my new "home" in Fort Collins will bring joy, excitement, heartache, hardship, challenges, love and growth opportunities.
I think I’ve written about this before or maybe I’ve just thought it, but "home" on this earth is only temporary for those of us who have placed our faith and trust in Jesus. It sure helps to move forward by keeping my eyes and gaze on the Lord because He never changes and is steadfast. He sees me. He knows me, loves me and cares for me no matter what.
As I close the doors with sweet friends for now, with activities I have participated in, clubs I’ve been part of, volunteering that I’ve had the honor and privilege of being able to do, I know with confidence that my God has and will continue to provide abundant opportunities and new doors to open and walk through as I make this transition north. More than I can’t even fathom or imagine, beyond my wildest dreams.
I would encourage you, when grief sets in to embrace it. Rest in it. Walk through it. Reach out to a friend if you need to. Pray through it and enjoy it. There truly is beauty in and through the waves of grief. I think God designed for us in our grieving moments to have a feeling of time stopping. I’m just realizing this as I write this out. The first time I experienced incredible grief was almost 15 years ago to the day when my mother passed away from cancer. I really did feel like an alien walking through this world. It was so strange. I felt like everyone else was moving through life, but my life had stopped. The clock was not ticking. I didn’t understand why I felt like I was stuck. It was like everybody was going on with their lives but my life was forever changed and I didn't know what to do. Many told me to keep going, which I eventually did do, but if I could encourage you in your grieving moments... rest and let the wave wash over you. It is in these moments that we find peace. Welcome them. Try not to bury them. Enjoy them. Even share them. It let's others in and that is so freeing and sweet. You are not alone.
I want to remember so that I can continue to give God the glory for everything in my life. I will miss you Loveland, Colorado but don’t you worry I’m right up the street, not to very far away. Only a phone call, or a coffee date or lunch or brunch or a walk away. I'll be back to visit. As God closes this chapter, I want to embrace every last little piece of it. Every moment. I don’t want to miss anything. Isn't this how we should live every day of our lives?
This song kept coming to my mind when I wrote this blog post. Enjoy! Dance
Every Move I Make
by Hillsong United
Waves of mercy
Waves of grace
Everywhere I look
I see your face
Your love has captured me